Because you’re not really good at it yet, are you?” I smiled sheepishly, and for the first time had the thought that maybe I really do believe as my mother did. Even if that didn’t matter anymore, it didn’t feel right, and besides, I wanted to stop thinking about her, and that was a lot better. I couldn’t help but wonder what I should call myself, and I thought perhaps I should call myself Lillium, after the girl in the moon. I wasn’t able to find her in my memory, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t think anything was going to happen to me with that name. I didn’t even try. I just gave it a go, even though I thought maybe I wouldn’t get far. I went through a few phases with Lillium. I tried to be as non-threatening as possible, and try and make friends. Not that being completely neutral was difficult, but it was a bit tricky. I was often unable to tell the difference between my own feelings and Lillium’s, and it felt a bit like a lie. It was like I wasn’t even there, or was simply pretending to be. Some days it was just the other way around. I just couldn’t seem to resist that. If the other girl was there, I would be all over her like a cat who ate her breakfast. If she wasn’t there I would be all on her, which was probably not the best thing to do. I think I found a lot of friends over the next few months, but it was all pretty small, just a couple of friends from school. I never really found myself in a real relationship, so I decided to keep making new friends, just so I didn’t have to have all the time in the world to worry about a relationship. I made sure to find out where everyone else lived, and I went to school with every student and even became friends with a few. I even managed to talk my way in with a girl who worked there. When asked about what she did at the school, I said that I worked in the music department as a teacher. “That sounds like you do. What do you do there?” They all just stared at me. The man who ran the school was one of the most popular teachers they had. I had to think of a way to get past him. I couldn’t quite think of a way to be friendly, and I knew that even after years of feeling lonely, it was going to
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